My teenage years were very turmoil, as you may have guessed from the short reference I made in the previous post. It does not excuse any of my behaviour at the time by any means, but it does explain it. My father was a day to day alcoholic. I lived in a "war zone" and every day was paved with fear. It didn't stop even when I left home. I was one of those kids who was constantly picked on and bullied. I think the kids just sense that certain sensitivity which they then take advantage of. Kids are cruel. So once I left behind the hell I had to deal with at home, I had to face another hell at school or where ever I went. I was bullied from my 5th to my 9th grade, pretty much every single day. My father became an alcoholic in 1985 (though he drank way before that) and he got even worse over the next ten years.
As usual, I did not save words when it came to my pain at the time, I was very blunt about it: I had a big poster on my wall, on it I had written a poem (one of the very first, this is the time I started to channel my emotions to writing). The poem had one highlighted line surrounded by flames and it said "my life is hell". The friends I hung out at the time knew what went on but we never talked about it - some of them stopped visiting because of my father's behaviour. It was embarrasing. It made me mad. It made me a rebel and when life didn't really feel so full of love, I turned to wrong people for attention. This is where the boy next door comes in, who had the habit of snatching vinyl records under his jacket. He wasn't my friend really: he picked on me too, he was like the wind, forever turning - all people were, and I couldn't really trust on anyone to like me for who I was. So I even went along with stealing to get some respect. I do regret it and pray for God's forgiveness on that. I didn't steal big things but none of that is good. It is not the way to go. Luckily for me, I found music, writing, drawing and painting.
On top of all these things, I was starting to discover I was gay. I didn't really even know what it meant. I tried to fall in love with a girl, none of them were interested in me that way - they just wanted to be friends. Then I started having thoughts about guys and realised I could never feel romantic love towards a girl. I was again different - and I had no one to tell it to. It was a lonely, sad time in my life and music was the only thing that kept me going to be quite honest.
I'm not saying my parents were assholes, they weren't - our family just had more shit coming to us than most and people were more emotionally cripled to handle it all.
My memory of this song (which is one my all time favorites by the 80s duo, Mel & Kim) is that I'm sitting at the edge of my bed listening to it, holding the album cover, sun is flickering through the curtains and I'm crying. Crying cos I'm confused, crying cos I don't know what's wrong with me - why no girl isn't interested in me, crying for not having any real friends, crying cos my father is making my life a living hell, crying simply cos I couldn't understand why life needed to be so damn difficult. I remember sometimes praying as I listened to this song, wishing it all would just end. I just remember feeling really small and meaningless... And I would do this often cos I felt bad often - this song was the one and only release song for me at the time. I remember doing this even just before my only (so-called) friends were about to come - they never knew how bad I felt deep inside. No one did. There was an extra layer here as well: these friends, a boy and a girl who shall remain anonymous, fell in love with each other and cuddled at my place - the girl started dating him (my best friend) right after the she rejected me. I was a real masochist, allowing them to come over and do their thing even so, but I guess I was grateful for having these two who did not pick on me, plus I needed a break from my other hells nightmares. All this must sound pretty pathetic to you, but you have to remember I was a very confused teenager with no one to turn to. I felt ashamed and abandoned in all ways imaginable - no matter how hard I tried to pretend I didn't. But I learned to hide my pain. Instead I presented my anger - I guess that was like a wall I put up, simply to protect myself as much as I could.
Despite the fact that this song brings back painful memories, I want to go through this in my mind and play it for you. Simply because it is perhaps one of the most meaningful songs of my whole life. It holds in the pain I carried within my heart for years - and still carry to some degree. Those things which hurt you the most, never really leave. They are the things that either make you or break you. To me, like to so many other people, they did both - they certainly made me... they made me struggle to survive, to find a way to channel it all out in the most non-destructive way possible, but they also broke me in more ways than one. I can still see reflections of those times in my behaviour after two decades. I've overcome the worst and dealt with the issues through my various creative skills but you can't milk it out completely. Some things cannot be undone. But, that's life folks - no one ever said it would be easy! And I'm a survivor dammit!
Here are the lyrics to "More Than Words Can Say":
As usual, I did not save words when it came to my pain at the time, I was very blunt about it: I had a big poster on my wall, on it I had written a poem (one of the very first, this is the time I started to channel my emotions to writing). The poem had one highlighted line surrounded by flames and it said "my life is hell". The friends I hung out at the time knew what went on but we never talked about it - some of them stopped visiting because of my father's behaviour. It was embarrasing. It made me mad. It made me a rebel and when life didn't really feel so full of love, I turned to wrong people for attention. This is where the boy next door comes in, who had the habit of snatching vinyl records under his jacket. He wasn't my friend really: he picked on me too, he was like the wind, forever turning - all people were, and I couldn't really trust on anyone to like me for who I was. So I even went along with stealing to get some respect. I do regret it and pray for God's forgiveness on that. I didn't steal big things but none of that is good. It is not the way to go. Luckily for me, I found music, writing, drawing and painting.
On top of all these things, I was starting to discover I was gay. I didn't really even know what it meant. I tried to fall in love with a girl, none of them were interested in me that way - they just wanted to be friends. Then I started having thoughts about guys and realised I could never feel romantic love towards a girl. I was again different - and I had no one to tell it to. It was a lonely, sad time in my life and music was the only thing that kept me going to be quite honest.
I'm not saying my parents were assholes, they weren't - our family just had more shit coming to us than most and people were more emotionally cripled to handle it all.
My memory of this song (which is one my all time favorites by the 80s duo, Mel & Kim) is that I'm sitting at the edge of my bed listening to it, holding the album cover, sun is flickering through the curtains and I'm crying. Crying cos I'm confused, crying cos I don't know what's wrong with me - why no girl isn't interested in me, crying for not having any real friends, crying cos my father is making my life a living hell, crying simply cos I couldn't understand why life needed to be so damn difficult. I remember sometimes praying as I listened to this song, wishing it all would just end. I just remember feeling really small and meaningless... And I would do this often cos I felt bad often - this song was the one and only release song for me at the time. I remember doing this even just before my only (so-called) friends were about to come - they never knew how bad I felt deep inside. No one did. There was an extra layer here as well: these friends, a boy and a girl who shall remain anonymous, fell in love with each other and cuddled at my place - the girl started dating him (my best friend) right after the she rejected me. I was a real masochist, allowing them to come over and do their thing even so, but I guess I was grateful for having these two who did not pick on me, plus I needed a break from my other hells nightmares. All this must sound pretty pathetic to you, but you have to remember I was a very confused teenager with no one to turn to. I felt ashamed and abandoned in all ways imaginable - no matter how hard I tried to pretend I didn't. But I learned to hide my pain. Instead I presented my anger - I guess that was like a wall I put up, simply to protect myself as much as I could.
Despite the fact that this song brings back painful memories, I want to go through this in my mind and play it for you. Simply because it is perhaps one of the most meaningful songs of my whole life. It holds in the pain I carried within my heart for years - and still carry to some degree. Those things which hurt you the most, never really leave. They are the things that either make you or break you. To me, like to so many other people, they did both - they certainly made me... they made me struggle to survive, to find a way to channel it all out in the most non-destructive way possible, but they also broke me in more ways than one. I can still see reflections of those times in my behaviour after two decades. I've overcome the worst and dealt with the issues through my various creative skills but you can't milk it out completely. Some things cannot be undone. But, that's life folks - no one ever said it would be easy! And I'm a survivor dammit!
Here are the lyrics to "More Than Words Can Say":
Took a look to the future/ Thought I could see love slippin' away/ And I just couldn't take it
But I never forget you/ I couldn't get by another day/ And I just wouldn't make it
Could I tell ya how much I need you/ How ever far away, yeah-eah
Could I tell ya how much I miss you/ So much more than words can say/ I love you more than words can say
Took a look in my mirror/ Thought I could see love fading away/ And I just couldn't face it
And I dreamt that you left me/ Takin' away the light from my day/ And I couldn't replace it
Could I tell ya how much I need you/ How ever far away, yeah-eah
Could I tell ya how much I miss you/ So much more than words can say
It can take a long time to realise that your mine/ But you can be a fool forever/ You're not forever, you're not forever/ Woh-oh
Took a look to the future/ Thought I could see love slippin' away/ And I just couldn't take it
Could I tell ya how much I need you/ How ever far away, yeah-eah
Could I tell ya how much I miss you/ So much more than words can say
Could I tell ya how much I need you/ How ever far away, yeah-eah
Could I tell ya how much I miss you/ So much more than words can say
Could I tell ya how much I need you/ How ever far away, yeah-eah
Could I tell you how much I miss you...
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